i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
