cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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