I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
