She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
