So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
