I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
