final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
