he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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