my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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