just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Damn victory sex feels great
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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