Where is the hickey?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
