Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
