I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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