I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
