Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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