so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
