Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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