was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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