I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
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Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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