It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
