Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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