Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
