I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
