I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
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He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
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Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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