I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
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While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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