I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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