it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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