The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
