Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
