if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
