We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
