is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
