I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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