I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
