Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
