epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
