Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
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