last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
