She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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