he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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