I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
