Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
