I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
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He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
did i walk over a car last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize