People with herpes should wear stickers.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
3 2 1 whiskey
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
