Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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