ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
