I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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