I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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