When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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