she woke up with a sticky ear
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
