I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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