Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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