i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
